From the monthly archives: "December 2010"

This year has been a hard year for us with holidays. We haven’t been able to do as much as we normally would. It’s been nice to not be running around here there and everywhere, but the build-up of the season hasn’t been there. I’ve found myself just wanting to get through this – not so much enjoy it but just make it through the craziness and get back to peaceful days and less crazy days. To just be rested and less stressed, especially since that’s what babE G needs from me most.

This afternoon I traded in going to see a movie to be able to go to church for our Christmas Eve Service. It’s something I just needed today. I needed hugs from friends, and knowing that they’re still there. And I needed to just be at church again, in that building signing and refocusing.

Each year we have a theme for the evening, it’s not a usual service with a sermon, it’s a celebration of what the season, and what Christmas Day really is about. It’s about resetting our hearts and focusing on the real reason we celebrate. This year K outdid herself in planning and executing the theme of ‘Hope’. Funny how God talks to you through other people and knows exactly what you need to hear to bring focus back.

A very talented young woman sang a song that brought me to tears – it hit home this year, and that made me sad to realize that this song was saying the things that I couldn’t. I have lost some of my hope. In grieving the loss of an easy pregnancy, the pregnancy that we thought we would have I let go of some of my hope. The last weeks have been hard with new complications and the possibility that it’s not just my issues, but that babE G may have some issues of his own. The fact that it might be something more than just my issue. Just another hurdle in this journey.


Hope is a candle, and even though the flame may flicker, the flame goes through a lot and still burns on. The last 5 weeks have been a test on the flame of our hope. And I’m really sad to say that I let it flicker a lot, but I’m going to stop that now. I’m taking back my hope, and protecting it.

We were given the gift of hope on Christmas. Jesus came to the earth as our hope. Hope for his nation of Israel, hope for his disciples, and hope for all mankind.  The world woke to a new life on Christmas morning, not just that Jesus had been born, but that we could be reborn in his love, his hope, and live in his hope.

Tonight I’m sending my prayers and thoughts out to all the bedrest moms that I’ve met that have let their hope go. I wish I could have taken all of you with me tonight. I know some of you are in hospital this Christmas, and not able to be with your families. I know how much your heart hurts, and how much you just want this time to pass quickly. I hope that this song may bring some hope back into your life. And know that I’m here praying for you and your little ones, and I’ll be hoping for you when you can’t. We’ll do this together.

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Today is 26 weeks! 2 weeks past the first big marker they wanted us to get to, so that’s great.
We had an ultrasound earlier this week. Gray is growing big and strong. 
We saw Dr Newell again today, and we’re doing really well on bedrest. Our numbers are back in the normal range, and we’re still doing all the right things. In a month I’ll hopefully have more freedom still. Once we hit 30 weeks we’ll be able to do more and be on my feet a bit more, but still no working.
There were some other abnormalities on the ultrasound from Tuesday. I seem to have a lot of amniotic fluid – at the very top of normal. So we’re waiting on some more information from McMaster again. We’ll have to see how they want to proceed. 
The 100 day countdown started this week! 97 days until our due date, 69 days until 36 weeks. We’re praying and believing that we make it until 36 weeks. 
We’ll keep you updated on what McMaster says, and what our next course of action is going to be.
Thank you for blessing us with your thoughts and prayers. We appreciate them more than we can express. 
Lots of love, and hugs! 
Jacqueline and Brain, and babE Grayson too
I can hear the stretch marks growing right now. No matter what I do I can’t stop from getting them! Oh well, I’ll do it for him. I just hope that there’s some way we can get rid of them in the future. 
Last week I decided to clean off old laptop files, and our external hard drive. I have duplicates of photos and other files. I happened upon our honeymoon pictures while I was looking around. I am so amazed at how my body has changed in 2 years!
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Here’s the two of us on the last full day of our honeymoon. Goodness I was in good shape then. Even with being out of the gym for 6 week before the wedding due to my torn rotator cuff. 
Here’s me last week.
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I love my bump, and I’m willing to allow my body to change because I know it’s not for me, and I will get it back. But goodness, I miss my 6 pack! 
I think the thing that is hardest for me is that I can’t be physically active right now. I was planning on teaching until I was 7 or 8 months pregnant and being able to do cardio at least and keep my body as fit as I could. Make it a bit easier to get my body back once Gray arrives. 
14 weeks tomorrow until I get to hold my son. I see the end goal, and I will do this. I just have to remind myself everyday of who I’m doing this for. 
I love you Grayson – more than I thought I ever could. And I will do anything and everything I can to hold you in my arms in March. 
Blessings, 
Jac
I love feeling this little bean jumping away. At our first ultrasound back in September we saw him doing jump squats long before I could feel him moving. Well now there are some moments when I wish I could communicate with him that it’s okay if he’s quiet for a bit. Especially at 3 or 4 am!! This past week I was awake at least 3 mornings earlier then I would prefer to be, like hours before. On Friday morning B and I even decided to get out of bed at 5, since he was not going to settle down, and we might as well just start our days. That is one of the few days that I was very happy to be on bed rest and be able to sleep. Thank goodness I was able to go back to bed for a few more hours. The same could not be said for B.
I’m getting used to seeing 4 am on my clock, well squinting to see it since I can’t read it all that well without my glasses, but still. I’m not looking forward to the day when I have to get up to pee at 4 am every night, but thanks to a lot of practise and years of a very particular ballet master, I seem to have avoided that for now. Who knows how long though?

My jumping bean has been moving around like crazy these days. At the beginning of this week his head was on my left side, and feet up in my ribs on the right side, on a bit of a downward angle. Now he’s all at the bottom squished up, his bum on my left side. One morning when he woke me up he was uncomfortably up and down, and completely squished! Thank goodness he moved and found a better position.
B loves feeling him kick and punch, and he’s even starting to be able to differentiate between the two. He says that it makes it more real to him. I can totally understand and appreciate that. I get a little freaked out when I don’t feel him move every once in a while, I just want to make sure that he’s okay. I just wish it wasn’t at 4am every morning.

My dad tells me that when I was about 6 weeks old I got my days and nights mixed up. I was a great sleeper, I slept through the night pretty much right away, but I seemed to get it mixed up a bit. So in order to fix this, he sent my mom to bed and kept me up for a whole day, and put me to sleep when I was supposed to sleep. If only I could do that with my little G man, but I can’t. At least not at this moment.
I’m glad my jumping bean is so active; it’s his way of letting me know that he’s okay.
We get to see him again this week coming up, and then we’re off to the OB’s for another check-up, and then off to the hospital for steroid injections. As anxious as I am about getting the steroids and how I will react to them, I’m very glad and thankful that we have the medical technology and advancements to make sure that my little one will be okay.

I’m logging off for the night; hopefully more blogging tomorrow.

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I’ve been in bed for three weeks now. 15 more to go. I am trying my hardest to not be negative especially on here – since in a few months and years I’m sure I’ll look back and read through this again, and I want to make sure that I have happy memories.


That being said it has not been easy. There seems to be a few moments a day where the ‘what if’s get the best of me. It’s hard to not think of those things when I have all day to think , when every time he kicks me or punches me, I wonder if he’s okay, if he’s going to be okay. There are moments when I’m amazed at how much I can care and love this little person and I’ve never met him.


Well earlier this week I was listening to this week’s sermon online. I love sermons around Christmas, Pastor always talked about the same 4 things, but not the same things, but he takes the same 4 words and has a new take on them. This week’s word was Expectation, about the joyful expectations of this season. After listening to this, I came to the realization that I had let go over my expectations. That I have stopped looking forward to the future, stopped dreaming about holding my son, about the day he’s born, about the future, his future. I haven’t been looking at the birth of my son with joyful expectation, I’ve been just getting through each day.
So after coming to this realization, I made the conscious decision that I would take back my expectation, I am taking back my anticipation and the hopes and dreams I have. I’m going to start dreaming of the day I hold my son in my arms, the day that I introduce him to my parents and family. And most of all I’m going to listen to the Voice of Truth.


The voice that tells me my son will be healthy and born just on time. That he has a great future ahead of him, that he will be a great husband and father. It reminds me of a song that now brings tears to my eyes, and says everything I have needed and wanted to say for weeks.

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

So from today on I am listening to the voice of truth, and not the voice of doubt, or fear. God created this amazing life within me for a purpose, and I know that God knows every hair on his head, and the number of days he will live. Today I take back my excitement over Gray joining our family, and I’m going to stop living in the unknown, and concentrate on what I know is true.


Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns







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There are 106 days until Grayson should be here.  And 6 more days until I get to see Harry Potter! B wanted to take me last week, but I just wasn’t up to it, and I thought it would be a great treat to start the countdown to 100 days left of bed rest.

Things around here have been pretty normal. B’s mom and stepdad came over yesterday and spend the morning finishing the decorating. It’s so nice to see my house all lit up and ready for Christmas. I’m a bit disappointed that I couldn’t do it myself, but I’m glad that someone was nice enough to offer to do it and bless us.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to thank B’s parent’s for everything they’re doing. They plan on coming every week and cleaning or doing laundry or whatever we need to be done. It’s so great to know that I have people in my life that are willing to take time out of their day to help us.

We got some exciting news this past week. My big sister’s husband has been offered a great opportunity with work and will be spending 2011 in the south. It’s a great step for him with work. The hard part is going to be keeping my sister distracted for the year. But I have a feeling that I know a little guy that will need some snuggles from Aunti J. If this has happened last year or the year before it wouldn’t have been a big deal. My sister used to work 60 to 80 hour weeks, but this past summer my sister changed jobs and is now working a usual 9 to 5 – with a lot more hours in the day to fill in with things other than work. But that means that I can have my big sis over for dinner once a week and she can snuggle Mr G for a few hours. I’m glad that she did make the change – she was going to burn out bad soon, and was taking on too much. But she is J – and this is what she has done her entire life. I’m just glad that she’s realized her limitations, and that it’s okay to have a life outside work.

Mr G seems to think that I should have some lunch, and possibly a nap, so I’ll be signing off. 106 days and I should be holding my little guy in my arms and not in my belly.
Blessings!

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24 weeks today! It seems like we were in Mexico just minutes ago talking about starting this journey, and now we’re weeks away from meeting out son. In 16 weeks I’ll be holding Grayson in my arms.

I’m starting to get into my groove on bed rest. B had a great idea last week, and picked up a table from my parent’s house so I can scrapbook and sew up in our bedroom rather than having to battle 3 flights of stairs to the basement. We moved some of my things up to our bedroom so I can work on getting some Christmas orders done for clients.

B’s mom and step dad were over yesterday and started decorating our house for Christmas. As much as I would love to be doing this, I do not have the energy or ability to do it this year. It’s a huge blessing to have someone take the time and energy to do this for us. They also cleaned the house so B and I don’t have to worry about it at all.

We spent Monday in Hamilton at the hospital where our specialist works, and if babE G is to come early, where we would spend the first few weeks of his life. We got poked and prodded and checked out. We got some great news! The bed rest is doing its job and I’m doing a lot better and my numbers are much better. We’re not out of the woods, but they’re not worried about Grayson coming in the next few weeks. They’re very hopefully that he’ll arrive in 16 weeks, right on schedule. They have given me the freedom to do a bit more than I have been doing. So I spend most mornings scrapping, and afternoons back in bed napping or vegging or doing something from bed.

B is falling into his new role perfectly. He’s perfect company when I need to talk or have those emotional moments. He’s also just there when I need someone there to just be there. He’s been great at running and getting me things rather than me having to go and get it. He’s okay with the fact that I can’t do everything right now, and he’s being so supportive. These moments make my heart sing, and confirm that I married the right man, the man that was meant for me.

B loves feeling Gray kick! And punch and hiccup. We read stories to him every night, and talk to him constantly. He’s so excited to be a dad, and hold our son. I can’t wait for him to hold him and meet him, and teach him. If my son is half the man my husband is he’ll be a blessing to the woman he marries, and an amazing father to his children.

16 weeks left, 112 days, and I’ll be holding my son. I may have started my time as a full time mom sooner than we had planned, but I’m making a conscious effort to love every moment no matter how mundane. I will spend the next 16 weeks taking it easy so my son has an easier start at life. That’s a sacrifice I will make gladly for him.
16 weeks.

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