That being said it has not been easy. There seems to be a few moments a day where the ‘what if’s get the best of me. It’s hard to not think of those things when I have all day to think , when every time he kicks me or punches me, I wonder if he’s okay, if he’s going to be okay. There are moments when I’m amazed at how much I can care and love this little person and I’ve never met him.
Well earlier this week I was listening to this week’s sermon online. I love sermons around Christmas, Pastor always talked about the same 4 things, but not the same things, but he takes the same 4 words and has a new take on them. This week’s word was Expectation, about the joyful expectations of this season. After listening to this, I came to the realization that I had let go over my expectations. That I have stopped looking forward to the future, stopped dreaming about holding my son, about the day he’s born, about the future, his future. I haven’t been looking at the birth of my son with joyful expectation, I’ve been just getting through each day.
So after coming to this realization, I made the conscious decision that I would take back my expectation, I am taking back my anticipation and the hopes and dreams I have. I’m going to start dreaming of the day I hold my son in my arms, the day that I introduce him to my parents and family. And most of all I’m going to listen to the Voice of Truth.
The voice that tells me my son will be healthy and born just on time. That he has a great future ahead of him, that he will be a great husband and father. It reminds me of a song that now brings tears to my eyes, and says everything I have needed and wanted to say for weeks.
the Voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the Voice of truth says “this is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
So from today on I am listening to the voice of truth, and not the voice of doubt, or fear. God created this amazing life within me for a purpose, and I know that God knows every hair on his head, and the number of days he will live. Today I take back my excitement over Gray joining our family, and I’m going to stop living in the unknown, and concentrate on what I know is true.
Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns