From the monthly archives: "April 2011"
So today we started a new adventure.
Cloth Diapers! 
We had decided long ago that cloth diapers were in our future, we just had to decide if we were going to do our own or use a local service. So after going through the numbers and comparing the work and financial aspect we decided that we could wash our own and save a bit more cash in the long run after having a few kids through diapers. 
The research started and we decided what brand we wanted to go with and registered for them at our local cloth diaper store. And as a surprise just before Christmas my sister showed up with a whole set of diapers for us. She had purchased the entire set of the smallest diapers we had registered for, including liners and covers. She’s such a blessing!
Well Gray arrived 2 months early and about 5lbs smaller than we anticipated, and 5lbs too small to use the diapers that were so graciously bought for us. So for the last 12 weeks we have be using disposable diapers. I’m not 100% against disposable diapers. They do have their place, like when we go to Mexico we’ll use disposables for the week, or up at the island where we don’t have access to our washer and dryer. But I prefer not to have so much waste especially the kind of waste produced by disposable diapers. I have had quite a few people comment that I’m ‘granola’ or crazy for wanting to do cloth, but I made a commitment to start my son’s life with the smallest carbon footprint that I could.
So since he’s way way way too small for the cloth diapers that we have, I decided to keep looking to see if there were some cloth diapers that were smaller. And I found them! Last night I went out and looked at some preemie/newborn diapers and they’re perfect. Gray is still wearing the newborn pampers and the tabs on them touch in the middle! He’s a very skinny boy. The investment we had made in disposable diapers in the last 6 weeks since we’ve been home from the hospital is less than the cost of the cloth diapers that will fit him now. I can only imagine how much more I would be spending on disposable diapers before he fits into the cloth diapers we already have when they’re bigger that the newborn disposables if the tabs aren’t touching. 
So here we are – all our goodies for cloth diapers. I still have to get some more covers; some of the ones we got didn’t fair to well in the dryer due to a flaw in the production. So we’re off to get some new ones tomorrow. 
cloth diapers1
And here is Mr. Bean in his first cloth diaper. He looks oh so cute! And way skinny in this photo.
cloth diaper2
During 12 weeks on bedrest I was able to be super productive during the days at home in bed. I would usually work my butt off during the mornings and get all my work done for the day by lunch and then nap, and after my nap respond to emails and still be done most everything by the time B got home from work. 
This has changed dramatically! 
During our time in the NICU I tried my hardest to get as much done as I could, and was very thankful for a boss that wasn’t too pushy while we were in the hospital and totally understood the days when I just couldn’t concentrate. As much as we ‘just sat around’ the NICU we really didn’t. We would be up every few minutes to keep G quiet or change a diaper, or rub his back or grab the nurse to reset his IV pump. It would take us two hours to get through a 40 minute episode of Lost some days. 
Well now we’re home and I’m back into work mode. At least I’m in work mode, Gray doesn’t seem to understand that I do have some work to do during the day. It hasn’t been easy to find a few moments to pop off some emails or put out fires. I feel super lucky that at the moment he’s actually upstairs sleeping in his crib for a bit. 
The problem comes when B gets home and makes me feel super guilty for having to do some work in the evenings because Gray hasn’t allowed me the time to work during the day. I love B to bits, but I hate that he makes me feel like crap when I have to do an hour of work, when he’ll come home and work all evening. I have no problem with him working in the evenings if he has to. 
Well back to get some work done before G wakes up. I can’t tell if that’s him waking up or just the wind rattling the trees and barbeque cover.
I was at physio this week and my therapist commented that I seem so calm for a mom of a preemie. It’s not the first time someone has made a comment about our calmness or ease during this hard time. I know that if they had been through everything that we have been through since July 12th they would understand our attitude; they would have a different perspective.

Our lives have been such a rollercoaster since we found out that Gray was going to be joining our family. At 21 weeks along I was put on bedrest praying that we would make it to 24 weeks. And then in the hospital at 29 weeks in preterm labour with the doctors sure that Gray would arrive that weekend and amazed that I was still pregnant a week later.

It’s not that I’ve been all sunshine and roses through all of this, but when I think of the alternatives, having a baby at 24 weeks, or 29 weeks or anywhere in between, the fact that Grayson decided to wait until 32 weeks changed a lot of what we had been prepared for by the medical team.

When we spent a week in Hamilton at 29 weeks the medical team there prepared us for what it would be like if Gray arrived then. That we would have to scrub up to our elbows and don gowns and masks and gloves in order to be able to enter the NICU. That we wouldn’t be able to hold him at first, he would be on a ventilator for possibly a few weeks. They gave us the worst case scenario. It was pretty scary but I had my husband and my family and I knew that we had a lot of support. And I had my faith, and I truly believe that we made it that far and Grayson would survive and thrive.

So after those few days, Grayson arriving at 32 weeks put us in a whole different place. When we went into labour at 32 weeks Hamilton didn’t have a bed for us because we were too far along and they had to save the bed for someone who wasn’t at 32 weeks yet. The hospital we spent 4 and a half weeks at didn’t have babies younger than Grayson unless they were transferred in from Sick Kids hospital once they were stable. We were in a completely different space then we were if Gray arrived at 29 weeks, physically and mentally. That doesn’t mean that we didn’t have any stress, and all our days were carefree. We just reminded ourselves, and the other parents reminded us to be thankful that G waited a bit longer. We had two sets of twins in our area that we born between 27 and 29 weeks, and had struggled. I saw the strength that they had and their parents had and if they could be strong and positive in their situation, I knew that I could as well.

My perspective now is so different then it was before. I’ve seen Gray go through some hard times. Being on a ventilator and having to have lumbar punctures, and lots and lots of blood work, and now I see him half sleeping on the couch while I type away. I know that Gray is a strong little man, and will fight through anything that comes up against him. Even sleep at the moment.

I think as an outsider looking in this journey could be really overwhelming, but just like any other journey we’re taking it day by day. I’m just choosing to be as calm as I can. From my perspective that’s the best thing I can do.

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