If you’re going through a battle similar to these wonderful women, know your not alone. And if you’re blessed enough to have breezed throgh pregnancy, I hope you stop and thank God for your blessings.
The Lovely Amber is a blogging friend that I connected with over twitter and our blogs. She and her husband have battled infertility for over three years and today she’s sharing her thoughts about fertility and how the fertile world sees infertility. For more about her journey check out her blog its a luv thing.
My Wish for the Fertile Community
It is difficult for those who are fertile to truly understand the impact that their words and actions have on infertile couples. Generally couples tend to take it for granted that they can produce a child easily and their comments to infertile couples reflect such thinking. There may not be any ill intent on the part of a fertile person when things are said to a woman or man treating infertility, but in many cases their words and actions cause large wounds.
In the three years we have been trying to conceive, dealing with our ‘fertile’ friends has only become harder over time. You would think that after almost three years, something like “maybe you’re trying to hard” might not be the most appropriate thing to say anymore. Anyone who has had a tough time conceiving has heard at least one of the following annoying comments;
Maybe you’re trying too hard!
Don’t worry you’re still young!
Take a Vacation and get really drunk!
Give it time
Enjoy the time you have now, once you have kids everything changes.
…And so on!
Listen… these comments aren’t meant to be mean, even though they feel like a stab in the gut every time we hear them. We all know how powerful words can be, and how even the slightest little comment can linger in your head for hours or even days.
Saying things like “maybe you’re trying to hard” is probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever been told, and yet it’s probably the most popular answer I receive. Women dealing with infertility usually have less then a 1% chance of conceiving on their own so when I’m told that I’m trying to hard I just want to scream.
I find the best way to respond is to just tell them that their comments don’t help, and that you appreciate their concern but dealing with infertility has nothing to do with how much or how little you are having sex. People tend to say inappropriate things only because they don’t know what else to say. When those we love say stupid things, it’s not worth wasting your energy getting mad at them, although I know it can be hard not to; I’m pretty sure I’ve almost bit the tip of my tongue off at least 1000 times – but I think it’s important to use their comments as an opportunity to educate them about the struggle of infertility, or even better just ignore the comments all together.
I will admit, three years ago when we decided to start trying for a baby the absolute last thing on my mind was that it wouldn’t happen. I was just as ignorant as any other ‘fertile’. I thought, we’d have sex, stir up the goods by throwing my legs in the air and Presto! we’d get pregnant. Little did I know that even the most fertile couple has only a 20% chance of conceiving each month, that my irregular periods were not normal, that ovulation doesn’t always happen on day 14, that hormones like progesterone and estrogen play such a huge role in conception and that throwing your legs in the air like an idiot does not get the sperm to its final destination any faster.
You don’t realize what a blessing and what a miracle pregnancy is until you’ve suffered from infertility. So many fertile women take pregnancy for granted. I can assure you though (before I start getting hate mail) that there are the handful who don’t take their miracle babies for granted and do appreciate every single step of their pregnancy, but for many who can get pregnant just by looking at their husbands ‘pee pee’ and think that’s how it is for everyone, really aggravates me. I also have a hard time reading stories like “baby killed in microwave” or hearing that those who have a broken marriage are expecting baby #5! I often wonder why God would bless these types of people with children when there are so many willing, wonderful, wanna-be moms and dads out there who would do just about anything to have a family.
In conclusion, my final wish for anyone reading this is that; next time you see a pregnant woman don’t always assume it came easy, next time you see a non-pregnant woman browsing the baby section, don’t always assume she’s looking for a gift. When you become pregnant, don’t take a second of it for granted, and don’t complain about morning sickness, tiredness or being uncomfortable to your friends, because one of those friends might give up everything just to experience one minute of your morning sickness.