From the monthly archives: "September 2012"

Sharing a part of my journey yesterday seems to have upset some people, and I’m sorry that they were upset, but I’m also thankful for the people who have commented that they’ve been through the same thing.

When you’re in a public avenue like blogging there are a lot of people who may have differing opinions and views from you, and may see a situation differently, but that doesn’t make your story matter less. I know when sharing some moments of my life others may not appreciate what I have to say or the fact that I put it in a public forum for others to view. For me it’s about sharing something so that someone who’s gone or is currently going through something similar can know that it gets better.

This blog is about the journey that God is taking me on, and there are some things I don’t share, at least not right away. There are some things that might be shared a year after they happen, and there may be things that happen today that I tell you all about. I am not here to talk about how perfect my life is, or give the illusion of perfection (that’s a whole other post), but to be real with where I am as a wife and mother, and daughter of Christ.

So share your story! Not everyone will understand it, some people will read it with a veil over their eyes and attack you for it, but there are others that need to hear it and that will be encouraged by your openness and honesty. If God put it on your heart that you need to let the world know what is going on then please share.

I make this promise to you, all of you. I may not always agree with every word on your blog, but I will always support you and your walk. So share! Be open, be honest and be real.

During the waiting we had last Sunday night I had a great conversation with my Gramma about church and our journey to finding our new home church. And during that something finally clicked.

Brian and I attended the church I grew up in and for a while we really loved it, but after a bit we came to see another side of it. It wasn’t the church I grew up in, and I was holding on to the church as it was 15 years ago. But it’s strayed far from that.

I think Brian and I were ignoring God for quite a bit. We were ignoring him telling us that we weren’t meant to be there anymore. And it clicked during this conversation – How can I be real with God when I can’t be real in his house? There was such a sense of perfection; if you weren’t perfect then fake it! And it had lost its depth. The conversations between services weren’t about God’s message it was about who was having coffee or what church sports team was in the finals.

When I went public with the fact that I had Postpartum Depression people either ignored me or they would ask me how I was in the I’m just asking to be nice tone. At a moment when I really needed my community they abandoned me.

After fighting it for so long we finally realized that we needed to find a home, because the spot we thought was home wasn’t any longer. We needed to find a spot where we could be real, so that we could be real with God.

When we left our church we knew that we would be leaving friendships behind. People were too selfish to take time to have a relationship anymore. (it took almost a year for some people to realize we had even left). The amazing thing is that since finding our new home at Easter I have made such great friends who take the time to pick up the phone and see how I am if I wasn’t at church of playgroup that week. Girls who make time to have a coffee date with me when I’m having a rough week, or just to come over when Brian’s out of town and keep me company for an evening. I’m so thankful to friends who are real with me and who want to know the real me.

And I’m so thankful for my blogging friends who were there for me in the inbetween. Who had chats with me and kept me connected when I had just said good bye to lifelong friendships. And to great things like #shereadstruth, who got me back to my God. That helped my heart heal and remind me how amazing the love of God is and how much his love can heal me.

It’s been a long year, but I am so thankful for the journey, no matter how painful. It has taught me what is important, and being in a place where I can be real is more important than being in a place where I’m comfortable.

I am so thankful for Julie and the words she has today! These are words I really needed to hear and absorb. Thanks so much girl!

 

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Hi! My name is Julie and you can find me over at my blog Back to the Basics, where I blog about my life as a wife and stay at home mom to Brayden (3) and Kenley (11 months). I am honored to guest post here at babEblessings today!

Lately, I have been feeling very emotional about our daughter approaching her first birthday. I am not sure WHY when my kids approach their one year birthday that I turn into a complete hormonal wreck, but hey, I guess that’s just how I deal. I just feel like we JUST brought her home, that I was JUST in that operating room anxiously awaiting her first cry, and JUST crying over how exhausted I was and that I couldn’t possibly mother two children. I was this way when Brayden turned one as well- and was in literal tears for the entire week leading up to his birthday.

As a mom, you just can’t explain these feelings to someone who isn’t a mother. When I was pregnant with Brayden, I couldn’t even fathom that these feelings would ever come my way! I was too excited and proud to let fear and anxiety intrude. But after Brayden stopped nursing, I started feeling very anxious 99% of the time. This was what was leading up to the meltdown I had prior to his first birthday.

The Bible tells us that worrying is a sin.

Matthew 6:25-34–

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So why do so many of us still worry SO much about day to day things? I struggled, and I know I am not the only one. But I can take comfort in the fact that Jesus already has an amazing plan for my life that I haven’t even scratched the surface of. He has equipped me to be the best mother, wife, sister, and daughter– but it is up to me to utilize that for myself. It is up to me to call on His promises and know that tomorrow will in fact, worry about itself.

As a mother, I need to remember to cherish the times I have now with my children, not mourn them before they already pass. God has something amazing planned for each and every one of us- but are you trusting him with your entire being? I know I don’t all the time- but a simple reminder that God has it all planned out for me does wonders!

 

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Thanks so much for blessing me with these words.

Funny how hiccups seem to happen in life.

Right now I’m sitting at my In Law’s kitchen table blogging, mainly because I’m not allowed to be home alone right now.

Last night I ended up almost fainting while making Grayson’s dinner, so I sat down with some candies and water and tried to get back to normal, but after about half an hour I wasn’t. So I called my mom and she popped into check in on us. And long story short, after being at the doctor’s this morning it turns out that I shouldn’t be alone because we have no idea what’s causing this to happen, and it’s really not all that safe for Grayson or I if there’s no one there to look after us.

It reminds me of the saying – we plan; God laughs. This is not at all what I had planned for my week! Brian is out of town on training for the week, and I was going to get a bunch of design stuff done in the evenings and during nap times, and have a few hours to myself on Thursday as my mother in law was going to take Gray. But now I can’t really drive myself to the spa for my massage, and I really shouldn’t be having a massage until we know what’s going on.

So now we wait. Really – I need more waiting in my life right now. We wait to see what the blood work shows. We wait to see when I can get my heart monitor and what it might show and we wait to see if there’s anything we can do about what’s going on or if we just have to be careful and not try and do too much.

 

 

After the craziness we’ve had this past weekend and now the fact that I’m going to spending quite a bit of time napping (hello 3.5 hour nap I just had) I have asked a few girls to share some of their hearts with you. I have read some of the posts and ideas already and I am hoping that they will bless you as much as they have blessed me. I’ll keep you updated on what’s going on and how babE#2 and I are doing and what our next steps are. And the lesson’s God is teaching me every step of the way.

Jennifer is here today sharing a bit of her story. Jennifer and I grew up together and I miss her so much now that she’s in Texas. Thank goodness for Skype.

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Hi! I’m Jennifer 🙂 I’m a former big city girl living in small town texas. So much in my life has changed over the past year and a half. I left everyone and everything I’d ever known to move 2000+ miles to marry my cowboy. It was not an easy adjustment by any means, and at times it was made even harder by the people back home that seemed to “forget” about me. With the exception of 1 person and a couple of family members, I talk to my “old friends” maybe once every 6 months, if I’m lucky. At first it was devastating, and even now if I think about it too long I cry. These were people I thought would be in my life for forever.

I’ve always been told that to have friends you must first be one. So I made an effort! I tried to stay connected with the people back home. I texted, I called, I emailed, set up skype dates and I even sent snail mail! But you know what? In order for there to be a relationship, there has to be TWO people involved. If its one sided its not a friendship. And golly! Does it hurt to realize that the people I thought I could count on have moved on with their lives, and left me behind. All because I followed my dreams and true love.

I’m sitting here, all teary-eyed, thinking about how much it hurts and how much I miss these people, and I can’t help but wonder how much more it hurts God’s heart when I ignore Him. I know there have been times when He’s been desperately trying to get my attention, begging for me to spend time with him. I turn away, so “busy” with life that I forget my one TRUE friend, the one that will “always stick closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24) Crazy right?

As a kid there was a song, on an old “Gospel Bill” episode, My mom would make me sing it when I felt like I didn’t have friends (every kid goes through that I think)…

“Have you ever wanted a friend
To come outside and play
but everyone you called, had lots to do that day
Have you ever felt so lonely that you thought you would cry?
I know someone special who’s always standing by

Its God and He’s my friend
He’s never too busy for me to talk with him
We walk and talk together
We laugh and sing a song
He’s even there to comfort me when sometimes things go wrong.”

Its amazing the truths we learn as kids that stick with us for 25+ years. Nowadays I play this song a lot, its pretty much just a grown up version of the song I learned when I was 5.

Its true, I am Never alone… unless I choose to be. And even then, HE is waiting, with arms open to comfort and love me. All I need to do is make the time to be His friend.

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Thanks so much for a great reminder! I know what it’s like to leave somewhere and leave everyone behind and wonder if you ever really mattered to them. A thanks for a great song to remind me in those moments that I am never alone

Packaging up some orders. Prints and Journals off to clients

Yesterday was a pretty normal day. Well it started as one. I spent about 3 hours on the couch battling the dreaded morning sickness, and then after I was finally up to doing something we headed out to get some errands done. I had some journals to put in the mail, and some prints, and I realized while we were at the mall that I should refill my anti-nausea medication too. So off to Zhers we went. Usually it takes about 40 minutes to fill a prescription but the pharmacist said it would be about 5 minutes. Sweet!! We could grab a few things that we can’t get at our normal grocery store and then get my prescription and I wouldn’t have to run back later. Great! So off we went.

So we’re walking down the cereal aisle and Brian’s phone starts ringing.

“Babe, your phone is ringing.”

“no it’s not”

Umm yea it is!

So he finally picks it up and it’s my parent’s number so he hands it to me.

Hi

Hi wee, how are you? – I don’t think there’s a conversation that goes by that my Dad doesn’t call me Wee

Doing okay, what’s up?

Well, I just got a call?

A call or THE call?

Well THE call, and so we’re heading to Toronto.

That’s right – standing in front of the Captain Crunch (that was for sale for $2.99) my father informs me that he got THE call and there are possibly some lungs for him in Toronto.

So off to the prescription counter we go (let’s face it, if I was going to be gone for 5 to 10 days in a hotel, I was going to need my meds) and then we head home to pack. I scramble and throw a weeks worth of clothes in, and clothes for Gray and Brian too. And grab my laptop and phone charger and journal and we hop in the car and start driving.

The CN Tower in the distance

 

 

Listening to the music I needed to hear.

 

 

amazing lyrics my heart needed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We got to the hospital, found my dad and we made our way up to the 7th floor transplant floor and sat in the waiting room.

 

My aunts and uncles were on their way to a cottage for the week with some of their kids and my Grandmother and Grandpa Wes. So when they got the call from my dad they all stopped and came to the hospital. My sister and her husband drove my mom and dad to the hospital. So once everyone had arrived we waited.

We were told when my Dad got the call that the earliest he could go into surgery was 8pm, just based on where the lungs were from and getting them back to the hospital. So we waited for 8pm.

So we had dinner, and caught up with family and waited and waited and waited.

It seems the transplant moto is hurry up and wait

And at 8pm they told us it would be about 10:30pm before we knew anything more.

And just before 10:00pm my mom came back into the waiting room and told us that we could all go home. The lungs had pneumonia and they wouldn’t be able to transplant them. Not something you can anticipate beforehand, not information they would have had, and something we knew was a possibility. My uncle Glenn had at least 2 trial runs before he got his new lungs 10 years ago.

 

So we had our first trial run.

 

At some point during the evening I was talking with my Gramma, and she asked me.

“Dear are you prepared if your Dad doesn’t make it through?”

Goodness! How do you prepare to live without your dad. How will I ever be prepared if he doesn’t wake up?

I mean I know where he’ll spend eternity and that gives me a bit of peace. But being here on earth without my dad is something I just can’t even imagine these days. Thank goodness for peace.

So we made it through. We know that he’s near the top of the list; he’s at the top for his blood group and body type and other criteria. And one day maybe soon we’ll get another call, and it may be another trial run, another false start, but I’ll worry about that when it gets here.

I do want to take a minute to thank the family who donated those organs last night. I know that my dad may not have been saved, but I do know that others were. And one day I’ll be writing a long thank you note to the person who gives my dad a new life. Today I’ll just thank all of you who have talked to your family about donating; all of you who have signed a donor card. And all of you who have honoured the wishes of your loved ones and given the gift of life.

 

Yesterday I wrote about God being good. I quoted the mom of a local girl who in the face of tragedy and trying to recover said – “It’s a faith journey for us, just the trust and the hope and the belief that we are held by God and there’s nothing that happens that’s outside of his sovereign care for us,”

When I look back at our time in the NICU, and now with the thought that we may go through some NICU time again, I often wonder how we made it through.

We spent 33 days in a foreign place, that speaks a foreign language trying to make sense of up and down, and yet we walked out whole and ready for the next thing.

I truly know the peace that passes all understanding. And I know that during those 33 days we were held by God. We stood in a room where machines were often doing more for our son than we could. But in those moments we didn’t stress (too much) and we tried to stay calm. But we also knew in those moments that we were not in control, neither were the doctors. God had his hand on the situation and kept Gray and Brian and I safe the entire time. He kept us safe during those 11 weeks of bedrest, and through two bouts of preterm labour, and the real thing. And we knew in our heart of hearts that we would take our son home healthy and whole.Grayson and Brian

And here we are, pregnant with another little one. And believing that God is in control of this.

The week we went into the doctors to confirm our pregnancy and get a referral to our new OB, we went through the normal battery of tests. And the next week I got a call from my doctor’s office. I am no longer immune to rubella. I had the shot about 8 months before we got pregnant with Grayson, but in the over two years since then I am no longer immune. We’re not sure why as I’ve now had 5 rounds of the MMR immunization, but I’m not. Normally not a big deal, but it just happens that our region is due for an outbreak and a lot of parent’s have chosen not to immunize their young children until they have to in order to enter the public school system. So right now we trust God, and we stay home.

I know that God has a plan for this baby, and had its destiny planned before it was formed.  And I know that his hand is on this baby and will protect it and me from harm until it’s time for the baby to arrive. And I know that God has blessed me with a great community of girls who are there to have coffee dates with me on Google Chat, and encourage me when I haven’t left the house for 10 days straight. And remind me why I do this.

And if we happen to end up on bedrest again, I know I have my bedrest moms. The group that helped me through with Gray, and the group that I stop in at every once in a while to encourage those moms, I know there will be someone there encouraging me.

There are times in our lives when everything is going great, and we don’t see the little things that God is doing for us, the thing he has set in place, but in those hard times, when we examine our situation, we realize just how much God is there, holding us and guiding us through the hard times.

I started reading One Thousand Gifts back in July when we were up at our piece of heaven (aka Ernst Island). But then I was reading during the night when insomnia was keeping me up, and my heart was still healing and I just needed to be busy.

I started rereading it this past week and Goodness! Did my heart need this. To read it, really read it and soak up all the little things that Ann is telling us.

 

Can there be a good God? (p12)

I’m not sure I can tell you how many times I’ve asked this question. How can God be good when cancer happens, when horrible deaths happen.

How is God a good God when my father is waiting for someone else to die so he can live?

But this sermon at church a few weeks back reminded me why and how God can be good.

God promises believers in Jesus that he will do good in and through our lives no matter what happens.

God will make all things work for good. It doesn’t mean that life will be good, and that only good things will happen to us. It doesn’t mean that it’s everything is going to be easy, but God will work every circumstances we come up against and work it for Good.

At the end of the school year this past May our community was hit hard with wondering why. A little girl was getting off the school bus and was struck by garbage truck. She has spent months in the ICU of a big city hospital and still has a long road ahead of her, and as a community we wonder why. Why would this happen if God is good?

In August this 13 year old girl’s mom told our local paper this – “It’s a faith journey for us, just the trust and the hope and the belief that we are held by God and there’s nothing that happens that’s outside of his sovereign care for us,”

After weeks and months of wondering if her little girl would be okay; would wake up and be her daughter again, or a totally different person. But standing on the knowledge that we a held by God in all situations, and that he will turn it all to good if we believe in him.

 

I don’t understand everything that happens. And I’m okay with not always understanding; well I’m starting to be. Because I know that God will work all things for God if we believe in him. God will use the situations I encounter to shape me and make me more like Jesus. And so when I wonder why, I stop, I take that thought and replace it with a prayer to help heal my unbelief and help me become more like his son.

 

I’m linking up with  Annie and Margaret as we all read through One Thousand Gifts.

Me and My Cup of Tea

4 years ago I was sitting in a tent in my parent’s backyard enjoying the prefect cup of tea in the special mug my mom always gave me on special occasions, or just because – depended on the day. Our bridesmaids were on their way to my parent’s, the photographer had just arrived, and my soon to be Mother in Law has shown up to decorate the tent. But that was on hold for 5 minutes. My mom gave me 5 minutes to just sit in the tent and breath and have a quiet moment before the craziness of the day set in.

It’s a really good book!

Most people who encountered me that morning didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t the crazy bride wondering if everything was perfect. I wasn’t running around making sure everything was perfect. Because my heart was at peace. I knew that the only thing that really mattered at the end of the day was that Brian and I were married. The rest was a big party. So I sat and read my book (well reread Angels and Demons by Dan Brown), sat and waited for my stylist to get there to do my hair, checked in on the girls getting ready in the basement. Had a few quiet moments with everyone. Shed a few tears as my mom put my grandmother’s pearls around my neck. Gave my other grandmother a big hug and thanked her for letting me share her day. My dad’s parents were married on September 12th 55 years earlier. I’m so honoured that I get to share that day with her.

She shared her day with me.

Walking down the aisle, I was walking to my future. The look in Brian’s eyes and the way they lit up. The way my dad held my hand. Those are precious moments I will never forget. An hour and a bit after that Brian and I walked back down the aisle as husband and wife. The next two days were a bit of a whirlwind, with photos and dinner and a big reception the next day.

The day was important, but so is every day since then. The little things that happen day to day, and the big days too.

Today I’m sitting watching my little boy play and be silly, and I’m so thankful for the past 4 years. I can’t promise that every day has been perfect but every day has been a blessings. 4 years ago I was 24 and not sure what life had in store for me, but I was ready to take on whatever I came across. Today, I know that no matter what happens, I have an amazing husband who is by my side no matter what and holding my hand through any storm. We’ve been through job changes, and bedrest and the NICU, and now the uncertainty of what this pregnancy will look like. But Brian and I are here for each other. There have been days when I wonder how I would get through without him. How I would make it through those rough days of bad new while on bedrest, or in the NICU. But he never left my side, and I know he never will.

Next year we’ll celebrate 5 years together, and I know we’ll be celebrating so much more. A new baby in our lives, and god willing, my dad having a new lease on life. The next year holds so many blessings for us, and even though there will be rough days I know that I’ll be able to get through anything with Brian by my side.

Always there to hold my hand

 **all photos by Matt Symes of Symplicity photography

Well – we’re here now, but we’re still working on getting this back up and running over here on wordpress. So please be patient with us.

Everything is still up on blogger – so go here to check it out. www.babEblessings.blogspot.com I’ll be posting here and there until everything is up and running.

 

 

 

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