During the waiting we had last Sunday night I had a great conversation with my Gramma about church and our journey to finding our new home church. And during that something finally clicked.
Brian and I attended the church I grew up in and for a while we really loved it, but after a bit we came to see another side of it. It wasn’t the church I grew up in, and I was holding on to the church as it was 15 years ago. But it’s strayed far from that.
I think Brian and I were ignoring God for quite a bit. We were ignoring him telling us that we weren’t meant to be there anymore. And it clicked during this conversation – How can I be real with God when I can’t be real in his house? There was such a sense of perfection; if you weren’t perfect then fake it! And it had lost its depth. The conversations between services weren’t about God’s message it was about who was having coffee or what church sports team was in the finals.
When I went public with the fact that I had Postpartum Depression people either ignored me or they would ask me how I was in the I’m just asking to be nice tone. At a moment when I really needed my community they abandoned me.
After fighting it for so long we finally realized that we needed to find a home, because the spot we thought was home wasn’t any longer. We needed to find a spot where we could be real, so that we could be real with God.
When we left our church we knew that we would be leaving friendships behind. People were too selfish to take time to have a relationship anymore. (it took almost a year for some people to realize we had even left). The amazing thing is that since finding our new home at Easter I have made such great friends who take the time to pick up the phone and see how I am if I wasn’t at church of playgroup that week. Girls who make time to have a coffee date with me when I’m having a rough week, or just to come over when Brian’s out of town and keep me company for an evening. I’m so thankful to friends who are real with me and who want to know the real me.
And I’m so thankful for my blogging friends who were there for me in the inbetween. Who had chats with me and kept me connected when I had just said good bye to lifelong friendships. And to great things like #shereadstruth, who got me back to my God. That helped my heart heal and remind me how amazing the love of God is and how much his love can heal me.
It’s been a long year, but I am so thankful for the journey, no matter how painful. It has taught me what is important, and being in a place where I can be real is more important than being in a place where I’m comfortable.