Today is a hard day. Today is the first day that no matter what I choose I’m not allowed out of bed. We knew this day might come, would probably come, but I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be. I guess the hardest part is that I know what it’s like when you don’t make it to term. I know what it’s like to have a preemie. The last 12 weeks I’ve been hopeful and optimistic. I could see full term, I could see us making it past 32 weeks. Having a big full term babE, never having to ask if we were allowed to hold her, or wondering how she was doing because she would be sleeping just a room away instead of miles away from us.
But this morning reality hit me. As much as I pray we make it full term; that Rory has her birthday on April 9th; that might not be what really happens. And the reality is that I’ve been here before, and I know the battle I have ahead of me. I know what long days feel like. I know the hurt of not being able to join in on things, watching things pass you by. I know how it feels to be forgotten because you’re not a physical presence in someone’s life.
I know every day I spend in bed has a purpose and is worth it. I do – every moment that I can grow Rory on the inside is worth it and I will give her every moment that I can. But that doesn’t stop it from being hard. I completely understand why solitary confinement is punishment in prisons. There’s only so much blogging and knitting and watching tv that you can handle at one time before you start missing things like snow and the smell of snow on the horizon.
I work hard on choosing a good attitude and not letting my surroundings affect it, and I’ll be working on that these next 16 weeks. But I’m a hormonal pregnant woman, there are going to be days when the emotions win for a few moments.
I’m thankful that starting Friday I have my boys home with me for a few weeks. Some great distractions and I’ll probably spend my days on the couch on the main floor. We’ve adjusted our plan and there won’t be a big turkey dinner this year, maybe just grilled cheese and tomato soup instead. We’ll get Gray’s big boy room ready for him so we can work on getting Rory’s room all girlie before she comes. We didn’t get Gray’s room painted until he was in the NICU despite starting it when we were 5 weeks pregnant. I would prefer to get it switched from boy to girl in the next bit.
I’m also thankful that I can keep doing design work while I’m in bed. I was able to get a hospital table to work from and stay in bed. It’s such a huge help. I am accepting blog design clients for January – I’ll be posting more details on the design site later today or tomorrow. But look for an awesome deal!
Thanks for listening! We knew what might happen when we opened ourselves up to adding to our family, it’s just hard to prepare mentally and emotionally for this. Thank goodness I have such a great community supporting me. I am thankful for each one of you and your prayers for us.
I’ll hopefully get all my advent posts up in the next day or two. I’m excited especially for the next few days. Some songs that I couldn’t imagine Christmas without, and some that remind us of what we are really celebrating.