Its hard for me to tell you what this song means to me.
This song was the first worship song I ever saw performed as a dance. I was maybe 5, my big sister sang this song for Christmas, and our associate pastor’s wife, Jennifer, danced. Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes, because even as a 5 year old I could see and feel Jennifer putting her heart into the dance; the words, the song and the meaning behind them.
And now as I sit here pregnant, unsure of what the future holds, I am constantly asking for God’s peace to come over me. I often wonder if I’m the right person for the journey he has me on.
I can see Mary on the journey to Bethlehem, in those moments when the enemy was trying to get into her thoughts, I can see her taking a deep breath and praying this song. I can see her asking these questions; questioning if she was the one that should be on this journey, but offering all that she is for the fulfillment of God’s plan.
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
I sit here a bit scared and unsure, wondering what God’s plan is. I’m so thankful to have him, and know that his hand is over my life, and Rory’s. But another part keeps wondering what his plan is and wondering how we’ll manage through these latest hiccups. Earlier this week I was back to our ultrasound clinic for another in depth ultrasound. After our 20 week ultrasound they wanted us back to get some clearer pictures of Rory a bit bigger so they could determine if there was an issue, or if they just had some bad/incorrect photos from the earlier one. The great news is that nothing is wrong with her heart, the not so great news is that she’s having some issues with her one kidney. Her left kidney is 1.6x larger than her right, and although they can’t tell for sure right now because she’s too tiny, there could be other issues with it. At this moment the largeness of her kidney isn’t impeding function at all, but it does mean we could have a long road ahead of us after she’s born. Even with ultrasound technology as great as it is, Rory is still a tiny little babe, no much bigger than an ear of corn, and until her system is under life conditions outside her little water world, we won’t know if there is any issues with kidney function or damage. This could take us on a journey of daily antibiotics, or could take us through surgeries and ongoing treatment. We won’t know until she’s born. The other big concern is if she decides to come early. If she decides she doesn’t want to wait until April, the stress of being premature could cause even more harm to her kidney.
There are so many thoughts going through my mind right now; so many what ifs. When we were pregnant with Gray all the issues were mine. We had a few weeks where we were investigating some abnormalities on an ultrasound but they disappeared and everything was going great. But this time it’s not just me.
There have been moments these past few days where I just sit in bed and ask for peace, just for a moment. For peace to come over me and let the wheels in the back of my brain stop turning for just a moment. And I’m working on letting go of the fear and uncertainty in my heart and resting in the knowledge that God has it all under control. And resting in the knowledge that God had a destiny planned out for Rory before she was created in my womb; that he had a plan and a purpose for her life before we knew she existed.
I can only imagine the aloneness that Mary felt some moments, the fear and uncertainty. But I do know that the peace of God had amazing power to wash over us and calm our human hearts and minds.
This isn’t the original post I had for today. But the last few days I’ve listened to this song, usually with tears streaming down my cheeks, asking for peace and guidance. I pray that we all remember Mary’s journey, and the journey so many of us are on, and have grace for them as they find rest in God’s amazing peace.