Two years ago just before Christmas we entered the last 100 days of our pregnancy (well if we went to term and we all know how that turned out). Since I had started bedrest I had been counting down, it gave me a goal. Every day we got through was one more day that Gray was growing big and strong, another day on the inside for him. That winter one of the last Harry Potter movies came out, and I really wanted to go see it. We had checked with the doctor and she said that going to the movie wouldn’t be too much of an adventure for us. But at the last minute I decided to trade my afternoon at the movies and instead go to the Christmas Eve service at church. As much as I was missing being home, like all the snow and a lot of the other events, I really wanted and needed to get into the spirit.
So we trekked out to church, and as usual the service was amazing. This song was sung by an amazing girl at church. In those moments she was signing I realize that I had lost my hope.
I think this year I’m in the same position. This pregnancy has been a lot easier, I’m not on full bedrest and we’re (our medical team as well as ourselves) are so happy with how things are going. One of the big issues I had with Gray isn’t as big of an issue this time, and although we have no control over other things we’re doing our best to keep things low key and less stressful. But it’s a longer road this time. I was put on bedrest at 21 weeks with Grayson, this time I’ve been on restricted activity for pretty much my whole pregnancy. Gray’s been in daycare almost full time for the last 6+ weeks, and we have 16 and a half more weeks until Rory is set to arrive. With Gray I was looking at 19 weeks of bedrest, and at that time I didn’t have a little man that I spent every day with and was missing like crazy. This time it is longer and harder. 29 weeks of my pregnancy will be restricted, 22 with Grayson away all day. We knew this was a possibility, and we knew that this was probably going to happen at some point, we just didn’t anticipate it being so early on. And to be honest you can’t prepare yourself for the mental battle that bedrest can be. I’m not on bedrest, but I am restricted. I can sit at my desk for 4 or 5 hours at a time and blog and design and get some work done, but I do have to rest in the afternoon. Sitting for too long can put all the hard work we have done to waste.
And it’s lonely. I watch my boys walk out the door every morning and try and hold the tears back until they’re in the car and out the driveway. I’m so used to having Gray home, and going on play dates with our friends Dara and Ivan, and getting some mom time with Rachel. And going grocery shopping or running errands, and now I can’t really do much of that. I hate to admit this but I was jealous of my dad going Christmas shopping yesterday. I’m so so thankful that he’s able to go shopping and no have to carry his oxygen, and that it’s the first year in a decade that he’s been able to go to the mall without a huge plan in place. But I haven’t set foot in a mall in weeks, my usual indoor walk place on crummy days hasn’t been visited in a while.
This past week has been the hardest. Hard to write, hard to feel productive in a day, hard to just even get out of bed. Christmas events are coming up, and most I’m not attending because it’s just too much, or I would prefer not have the looks from ‘family’ that I’m not parenting my child and running after him, because they don’t understand that I’m not really allowed to. Realizing that my little man is growing up without me right now. He comes home from daycare with a new word or two every day. He’s giving Rory kisses and calling her by name (well my belly) and using his manners better than some adults I know.
I’ve let my hope slip away this past week; I let the loneliness take over. But hope is a candle, it might flicker but it doesn’t go out, and it shows us the way home. It shows us the way back to the true meaning for the season. This season is about the birth of Christ, and right now this season in my life is about growing a big healthy babE girl. I have hope that Rory’s birthday will be April 9th as planned, that she won’t arrive early.
Today I’m deciding to focus on the bright side. To focus on the fact that this is just a season in my life. In 16ish weeks my little girl will be in my arms healthy and whole and every moment leading up to her birth will be worth it. I’m on a journey and I’m going to allow God to move in me during this time.