I haven’t written about this because to be honest I didn’t know how. And even now I don’t know what words to use or what to say so I’m just going to write.
This song popped up on my ipod while we were away at Ernst Island. I had gotten the album for another few songs but somehow this made it into my playlist and it brought me to tears. My heart was just starting to heal and this song said all the words that I couldn’t find.
In May Brian, Grayson, and I headed off to Cuba to celebrate Brian’s 30th birthday and to have a bit of a break. We had such a great week away just the three of us. We actually spent my birthday there as well and when we got home I got the best birthday present I ever could. Two lines on a pregnancy test. But our joy was short lived and we would never meet that little babE.
When we decided to open ourselves up to adding to our family we were taking such a huge step out in faith. With everything we had been through with Grayson and the probability we would be going through these things again it was a big step to take. And then losing the pregnancy broke my heart and to be honest made me wonder if we were completely wrong with wanting another child.
There’s a science side of me that rationalizes the loss, and tries to make me feel as if my emotional response isn’t justified. And I do understand the science side of it, but I also know the emotional side if it was tied to so much more than the loss of a pregnancy.
The chorus of this song says the words I couldn’t find for a month.
It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down,
It’s like my soul is flying when my feet are ground,
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt,
I’m in better hands now.
I’m a person who when I’m trying to just push something down I stay busy. So for the month before we headed up north I just stayed busy. And then I didn’t have to deal with all the emotions. But when we arrived at the island I knew I would have to deal, I would have to accept things and I needed to get my heart right again. Thing song put what I was feeling into words. There was a piece of my heart that was no longer here on earth. It was dancing in heaven, getting snuggles from my Grandfather, but the rest of me was here on earth just wondering.
This song was a first step for me; a step in healing my heart; a step towards God again and knowing that his plan will come to fruition in my life.
So why months later am I writing all this? When I’m 12 weeks away from meeting my daughter and so much has happened since then.
Tuesday of this week we found out that our cousin lost his two baby girls, they were due a few weeks after Rory is set to arrive. Tuesday evening as I laid in bed breathing through contractions I put my playlist on and this song came on and brought on tears. Tears for our cousin. Tears for the hopes and dreams they had. And tears because I can understand some of the pain and hurt their going through.
Tonight I’m praying for all those who are going through a loss. Praying that maybe these words make you feel less alone, that the song helps heal even a part of the hurt, and for a great big hug to come your way (even just a virtual one from me)