Music has always been a big part of my life. I’m sure you can tell I have a lot of posts that reference a song or have a song in it that has some meaning to me. Gray and I have a song, my mom and I have a song, I’m sure Rory and I will have a song.
My mom shared this song with me a few months ago. A friend forwarded it to her the week after my dad’s first trial run for his transplant. It became her song during the weeks leading up to and the weeks after transplant.
It popped up on my Sirius Ap the other week when I was relaxing in the bath. After our adventure at Christmas, the words in this song took on such a bigger meaning to me.
I don’t know where you’ll take me
But I know You’re always good
I don’t know where this journey is going to take me right now. I’ve spent that last week in a hospital bed wondering if we’ll make it through another day. But the amazing thing about God and his peace is that even though I’ve been contracting for weeks now, I have this amazing peace. I have found rest in the knowledge that no matter what day Aurora arrives God is protecting her, and she will be healthy and whole.
My hope is built on nothing else,
Than Your great love, Your righteousness
I can’t imagine holding my daughter for the first time, because I just don’t know the circumstances in which she’ll arrive. Will it be in the OR when she’s full term, or will she be days or weeks old before I’m able to hold her if she’s a preemie? I can’t tell, and I don’t dream of that moment. But I do dream of the quiet moments we’ll have together. Of those early morning feedings when the sun is just starting to come up and I open the blinds in her room and we watch the sunrise through her windows. Of starting our days off in prayer just the way I did with her big brother. Of the night of her 21st birthday when I give her the string of pearls my Grandmother gave me when I turned 21. Of her wedding day, and so many other events we’ll celebrate together. My hope is built on a strong foundation of God’s love and his righteousness in my life. God has proven his love and provision in my life over and over, and I know that even though I can’t imagine the beginning, I can dream of what life will be like with Rory.
I will not walk another way
I trust Your heart, I trust Your name
So what do I do? When reality is that I may spend the rest of my pregnancy in a hospital with daily blood draws, nurses in and out all day, and my husband and little boy at home while I’m here. I walk. Figuratively of course. I spend those moments when it seems to become too much and lean into God; I take a deep breath and focus on the things I know. I know that God has a destiny planned for Aurora for before we knew she existed. I know she is fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that God’s hand of protection is on her life each and every moment. I know God created her with a plan and a purpose far beyond anything I can understand. So I walk out my faith every day, every hour, every minute, and know that no matter the timeline God is in control.
This song has become a theme song for me. When I’m having a moment of hormonal emotion, I throw this song on and just listen. In the event that Rory does arrive early, I’m sure she and I will have a song that’s just ours, the same way Gray and I did. Not sure what it is yet, but I’m sure it will come to us.
If you’re going through something right now and not sure what to do or where to turn, I hope you can quiet your heart and just listen for God’s voice. That you can build your hope in God and trust him with the situation. I am always here to pray if you need it, just send me off an email or tweet or message.
Today we are 28 weeks pregnant and have met one of our first goals of bedrest. 28 weeks! So thankful to have gotten this far, and finding rest in the knowledge that every day here means one more day of cooking Rory on the inside to help her get ready for the outside world.