First I want to thank everyone for you messages and notes, whether it be on here or through Facebook and Twitter or Instagram. I haven’t had a chance to respond to all of them, but I have read all of them. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Today the mommy guilt is killing me. I’ve had one job for the last 8 months: grow Rory. Get that baby girl as big as I possibly can, and get full term. Well that didn’t happen. I’m a preemie mom, and I guess that’s all I’ll ever know. But today we found out that the issue we were having with Rory’s kidney is going to require her to go under general anesthesia and be intubated in order to hopefully correct the issue. The moment the neonatologist said that the damn inside me broke and I haven’t been able to get out from under the weight of the guilt. Not only could I not make it full term, but now my 4 lb little girl needs surgery.
Today has been a day of just taking deep breath after deep breath to keep things calm.
I think it was perfect timing that I picked up You’re Already Amazing by Holley Gerth this morning to read while I’m pumping. I think I needed to read Holley’s words this morning to prepare me for the news today. I needed to know that it’s our brokenness that allows God to seep through and allow others to see him in us. How amazing is that thought!?!
I’m still emotional and feel the weight of the guilt on my shoulders , but when it starts to overcome me I remind myself that I don’t have to be perfect, that it isn’t my fault, that I grew Rory to the best of my ability, and that God has his hand on the situation and he is in control.
Brian got to hold Rory for the first time today. I’ve had a few snuggles with her if they needed to change her bedding, or if they needed to rearrange things, but this was the first big snuggle with her out of her bed and out from under the phototherapy lights.
I’m moved in to the Ronald McDonald house just across the street from the hospital. I feel so blessed to be able to stay so close to Rory and not have to make the hour+ drive twice a day. They have worked really hard to make you feel at home here. They even served meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight.
Back to the hospital I go to see my Rory girl. Maybe I’ll get to change her bum again and maybe just maybe I’ll get another hug from her.
We don’t have internet access at the hospital, so if you’ve emailed me or messaged me and I haven’t gotten back to you please know that I will, it will just take a bit. I’m spending as much time with Rory as I can.
Thank you for all your prayers and positive thoughts. We appreciate every one of them.